This was originally posted by Keith Sueme (of Volksworld fame) on the VolksZone Forums a couple of days ago... Just thought I'd share it!
Rules For Collecting Beetles
RULE I. Collect only one model of Beetle. Nothing but '57s or '67s for example. When all your Beetles are the same colour and shape, it's harder (if not impossible) for anyone to figure out how many Beetles you actually have.
RULE 2. Never line up your Beetles. Ever! Nothing distresses a difficult spouse more than seeing 12 old Beetles lined up looking for all the world like a pile of burning fifty pound notes. Scatter the Beetles around: a couple behind the garage, one or two in the garage, another beside the garage, maybe a couple at a friend's house. That way, it is not possible for anyone (if you know who we mean) to see more than two or three from any perspective. Your hobby will be less "irritating" that way.
RULE 3. For pretty much the same reason, don't number your Beetles. Give them names. You'd be surprised how much less trouble you will have if you talk about "Old Faithful" instead of "number 23".
RULE 4. Early in collecting, buy a Beetle you don't want...then sell it as quickly as you can. Don't worry about making any money on the transaction, the main thing is to buy a Beetle and get rid of it. Then you can say, "Yes, my sweet. I do have six Beetles in the garage while your car is out in the weather. That doesn't mean I will always have six Beetles. Remember the one I got rid of? I'm thinking of selling another one any day now so we can put your car in the garage."
If you have a friend who collects Beetles, make arrangements for him to drop off a Beetle now and again. That way you can say-if anyone asks-that you bought it. Then have him haul it off again and say you sold it. With this system, you establish your reputation for moderation.
RULE 5. Pay for your Beetles with banker's cheques, postal orders or cash. This leaves far less evidence than cheques drawn on the family account.
RULE 6. Now and then, buy a wreck for parts even if you don't need the parts. In fact, you might consider hauling a wreck or two home on the same trailer whenever you buy a good Beetle. This is called "liability averaging".
If your significant other says something about having enough money for yet another Beetle (but not enough for a new refrigerator), point indignantly to the Beetles on the trailer: the beautiful one, solid and in running condition for which you paid £1,500 and the rusted hulks you got for £50 each. Then huff, "Snookums, I got those for a little more than £500 each and the one on the back is easily worth £2000. This is a tidy profit of £400." (See RULE 7.)
Doesn't that make you sound like an investment wizard?
RULE 7. When things get critical, consider dragging home a Beetle without a transmission or missing a rear wheel. If there's a complaint, you say, "Beetle? What Beetle? That's not a Beetle.. that's only a basket case... not even close to being a Beetle".
RULE 8. Have a dealer or friend call you now and then when you're not home (and tell your spouse), "Your husband told me to keep an eye on the Beetle going at the auction on Saturday, but it sold for £5,000. I know there's no way a financially cautious and responsible guy like your husband would pay that much, so I didn't even make a bid on it for him".
Not only will this make you look real good, but next time you buy a Beetle, say something like, "Luvibear, this beauty only cost me £1,000 which means we are £4,000 ahead of where we'd have been if I'd bought the one before. If I keep saving money like this, we'll be able to afford to go on a Caribbean cruise next winter".
If you say it fast enough, it might just work.
RULE 9. If your partner insults your hobby by calling it an obsession, laugh a light-hearted laugh making it clear that Beetles are not to you what shoes are to Imelda Marcos.
But, should your situation get to the point where your wife asks, "Who do you love more: me or your Beetles?" You are on your own. :sarcasm:
